Thursday, July 10, 2008
Chased by farmer
A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"
PLASTIC SURGERY
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
IN SEARCH OF A GOOD MAN
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings.She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?""Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies."Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires."I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
CORKED
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
A SNAKE IN A BAR
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you.""Why not?" asks the snake.The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
MUSHROOM IN A BAR
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.""That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So what happened?" the man asked again.The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.""Again?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued."I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.""Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So then what else did you do?" the man asked again."Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
confused
How do you confuse a blonde girl?Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!
THE LITTLE PIGGIES HAVE A DRINK
Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"
A CARROT IN HIS EAR
A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't.Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear?The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story."Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked."Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story."Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked."Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
A DUCK AND A BAR
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"The bartender replied, "No!"The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"
Random story
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask."Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
Random story
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
two Inches
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
JUST WATCHING TV
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy."Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money."I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.""No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
EXPECTING A FIGHT?
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.""No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
WELL, I'LL BE DOG GONE
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!""No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner."Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.""Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
TWO STRINGS
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"String says "Yeah."Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR...
Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...
? You lose arguments with inanimate objects.? You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.? Job interfering with your drinking.? Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.? Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.? The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.? Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!? Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!? You can focus better with one eye closed.? The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.? Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.? Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you? At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."? Your idea of cutting back is less salt.? You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.? The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
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