the sausage and the cat

one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

Disney Password

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long."Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.And, the Golden Rule of email:That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

what does the little computer call it's dad?

Data

3 nuns

there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

Raking leaves

How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?She fell out of the tree.

Two Blondes

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.'' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME ?'

Mercadies Blondes

There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercadies vehicle.They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said," You need to try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

How do you know when a blondes been in your refrigator?

When there's lip stick on the cucumbers.

I Think...

In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear. A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared. A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared. A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears.

A blonde goes to the shop

One day a blonde girl went to the shop. she was 15 years old. When she went in she said to the manager "whats bread, jam, rolls and buns and where are they". The manager replies "are you dumb or something oh I should of known your a blonde I guess your shopping for your mum what you gonna do when your older if you don't know what this stuff is." The blonde replies "I beg your pardon I don't get what you mean". He replies "I am not repeating it, you should listen, not be so dumb like you blonde's are" The blonde girl goes home and tells her mum what was said her mum replies "well what do you expect acting like your dumb your a smart girl". She replies "well I thought he would of known I was a smart blonde but he was fooled by it but I didn't manage to get your stuff".

Chased by farmer

A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"

PLASTIC SURGERY

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

IN SEARCH OF A GOOD MAN

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings.She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?""Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies."Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires."I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

CORKED

A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"

A SNAKE IN A BAR

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you.""Why not?" asks the snake.The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

MUSHROOM IN A BAR

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.""That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So what happened?" the man asked again.The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.""Again?"The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued."I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.""Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain.""So then what else did you do?" the man asked again."Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

pedestrians

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Resistance Is Futile

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

succeed

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

abandoned vehicle

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Horn Broken

Horn Broken "Watch" for Finger

Bush

Last Time Someone Listened To A Bush, Folks Wandered Around The Desert For 40 Years!!!

Bout my Car

rry my car is a piece of shit ...... my parnets didn't buy it for me

confused

How do you confuse a blonde girl?Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

THE LITTLE PIGGIES HAVE A DRINK

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

A CARROT IN HIS EAR

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't.Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear?The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story."Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked."Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story."Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked."Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

A DUCK AND A BAR

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"The bartender replied, "No!"The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

Random story

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask."Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

Random story

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

two Inches

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

JUST WATCHING TV

Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy."Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money."I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.""No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

EXPECTING A FIGHT?

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.""No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

WELL, I'LL BE DOG GONE

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!""No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner."Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.""Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

TWO STRINGS

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"String says "Yeah."Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."

A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR...

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...

? You lose arguments with inanimate objects.? You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.? Job interfering with your drinking.? Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.? Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.? The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.? Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!? Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!? You can focus better with one eye closed.? The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.? Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.? Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you? At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."? Your idea of cutting back is less salt.? You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.? The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

TWO TEXANS

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

FIRESIDE TALES

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs. The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot. "Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

MAKING A POINT

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

TESTING TIMES

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

THE OLD WINO

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

No Need To Pay

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

DNA Tests

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.Client: Well, give me the bad news first.Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime sceneClient: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Two drunk guys

Two Drunk guys walk into a bar...you'd think they'd see it coming.

a man walks

a man walks in to a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and said a pint please the landlord added and 1 for the road

bar joke

A man walk into a bar said what its that he said it a bj frog. the bar man said take it to the back and it will give u a bj if u give it a £5. so the man said ok so he took it to the back and had a bj come back in and said that was amazing can i buy it the bar man said no its not for sale the other man said i will buy it for £1000 now so the bar man said ok so the man took it home put it on the side then his wife come home and said what is this the man said its a bj frog then the man said teach it to cook and clean and leave me alone.

Men went fishing

Two Morons rent a rowboat, row out a way, throw their lines in and try fishing. Nothing happens. One fellow says to the other, we have to row out away from shore into deep water. They row and row offshore about one mile out, try fishing again. Same thing nothing. The same fellow says we have to go really far out that's where the fish are. They row for an hour. They are so far out they can not see land. They try again. low and behold they hit a bananza. There is no rest. Fish after fish is caught one fellow says to the other. You know we can come back tomorrow catch another load of fish and make some money selling it. His friend says that's a great idea but how are we going to find this same spot. His friend thinks about it a moment then says we could mark an X on the side of the boat. His friend looks at him a moment says OK. As they are rowing back toward shore his friend gives him a dirty look and says that wasn't such a good idea marking an X on the side of the boat. How do you know if we'll get the same boat tomorrow?

Why did the foal cough ?

Because he was a little horse !

I'd pet him frist

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

At The Vet

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to anexamination room and has him put his dog down onthe examination table. The vet examines the still,limp body and after a few moments tells the manthat his dog, regrettable, is dead.The man, clearly agitated and not willing to acceptthis, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out witha cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail pokingand sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vetand meows. The vet looks at the man and says,"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs thebody, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at thevet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'msorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks thevet and asks how much he owes.The vet answers, "$650."$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 wasfor the cat scan and lab tests."

Cinderella Wishes

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

the other side

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

Zoo tycoon

A bloke goes to a zoo, when he gets there it's just one cage and bucket loads of land. in the cage was a dog telling you now it was shit-zoo