TWO TEXANS

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

FIRESIDE TALES

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs. The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot. "Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

MAKING A POINT

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

TESTING TIMES

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

THE OLD WINO

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

No Need To Pay

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

DNA Tests

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.Client: Well, give me the bad news first.Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime sceneClient: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Two drunk guys

Two Drunk guys walk into a bar...you'd think they'd see it coming.

a man walks

a man walks in to a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and said a pint please the landlord added and 1 for the road

bar joke

A man walk into a bar said what its that he said it a bj frog. the bar man said take it to the back and it will give u a bj if u give it a £5. so the man said ok so he took it to the back and had a bj come back in and said that was amazing can i buy it the bar man said no its not for sale the other man said i will buy it for £1000 now so the bar man said ok so the man took it home put it on the side then his wife come home and said what is this the man said its a bj frog then the man said teach it to cook and clean and leave me alone.

Men went fishing

Two Morons rent a rowboat, row out a way, throw their lines in and try fishing. Nothing happens. One fellow says to the other, we have to row out away from shore into deep water. They row and row offshore about one mile out, try fishing again. Same thing nothing. The same fellow says we have to go really far out that's where the fish are. They row for an hour. They are so far out they can not see land. They try again. low and behold they hit a bananza. There is no rest. Fish after fish is caught one fellow says to the other. You know we can come back tomorrow catch another load of fish and make some money selling it. His friend says that's a great idea but how are we going to find this same spot. His friend thinks about it a moment then says we could mark an X on the side of the boat. His friend looks at him a moment says OK. As they are rowing back toward shore his friend gives him a dirty look and says that wasn't such a good idea marking an X on the side of the boat. How do you know if we'll get the same boat tomorrow?

Why did the foal cough ?

Because he was a little horse !

I'd pet him frist

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

At The Vet

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to anexamination room and has him put his dog down onthe examination table. The vet examines the still,limp body and after a few moments tells the manthat his dog, regrettable, is dead.The man, clearly agitated and not willing to acceptthis, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out witha cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail pokingand sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vetand meows. The vet looks at the man and says,"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs thebody, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at thevet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'msorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks thevet and asks how much he owes.The vet answers, "$650."$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 wasfor the cat scan and lab tests."

Cinderella Wishes

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

the other side

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

Zoo tycoon

A bloke goes to a zoo, when he gets there it's just one cage and bucket loads of land. in the cage was a dog telling you now it was shit-zoo